Sunday, September 25, 2016

Attn Kids: Four Things to Know About Our Home

To the small, technologically savvy people living in my house,

I know that this is 2016, and your generation is all about the screens, electronics, and instant gratification. I have no idea what your world will look like when you are my age, but for now, I want to point out a few things about our home that you may not have known about simply because they are not "high tech".

The handle on the toilet
You know that specifically placed, little handle that you pressed down ad nauseam (that means a lot) before you were potty trained? You know, the one that makes the water in the toilet spin around and gently disappear into the hole at the bottom of the bowl?

Well, I'm about to rock your world. That special lever does more that make me yell at you that you are wasting water. You'd think you'd know this given how upset you were when the potty "ate your poopy," and I gave you M & M's to make it better while we did the potty dance.

It seems though, that as you mastered the skill of the potty and wiping yourself (most of the time), you have forgotten about that very important lever. So, to refresh your memory, the lever makes your pee-pee and poopy – I won't stop calling them that until you start using the lever – go away. When you use it, our guests don't have to be surprised when they visit the guest bathroom, your dad and I won't have to listen to the bickering when you both tell on each other, and I won't have to be doubly disgusted when the dog drinks out of it.

It's called flushing. You should do it after "number 1" or "number 2", or hey, both! I'm sorry, no "swipe right" for that. It's just a quick push down and then watch your elimination sail away. I'll even bring back the potty dance if that'll help.

It's funny, because my experience with you both is that you love to push any button, flip any switch, and turn any dial when you don't know what they do. Well, guess what's just as much fun... doing any of those things when you know what's going to happen. And get this, the tiny switch on your wall in your rooms right inside the door turns the lights in your rooms on and off. 

On. and. Off. 

No technology needed. Not even a clap. Just, flip! and you can see the chaos that is your room. 

Now I realize that you might be confused about when they should be on or off.

Here's a good rule of thumb: if you aren't in the room, they should be off.
In the room and awake? On.
In fact, if you do that much, I'm happy to troubleshoot the rest of the options with you.

So, you know how they open and close?
Oh, you do? Hmmm. Ok. 

Laundry Baskets
I bet you were wondering what that large fabric basket in the corner of your room is that isn't the garbage. Have you seen it? It's so cool. You can put your dirty laundry into it INSTEAD of the floor. What??? I know. Mind. Blown.

Of course it doesn't take care of the cars and legos I gouge my foot on when I go in to lovingly pull the covers up over your sleeping body, but hey, I'm picking my battles.

Wait, are you wondering if Siri is the one who takes all that to the laundry room in the basement? Believe it or not - no.
If we asked her to do it, she'd offer to call Uncle Steve or give you directions to the pyramids.

Nope, it's me. Or your dad. Or… it could be you.

HAHAHAHA! Good one, huh?

Dreamers can dream.

Thanks in advance for your valuable time away from Minecraft, egg opening videos, or Garfield episodes. I feel special that you tore yourself away for a moment to listen to your dear old mom.

Hello? Hello?

Whatever. Love you.